During a week when my ‘mention’ practice seemed to have failed, I had the unusual pleasure of a trial at the magnificent crown court sitting very close to Bournemouth. After the fulsome welcome and the queries about my long absence, I noticed the presence of a large number of heavily equipped storm troopers in the court, and in my innocence presumed there was some serious high security trial, probably an adherent of Bin Laden’s being defended for several months.

I was mistaken. My own O.I.C. found me and despite being a demure and attractive WPC, she had more in common with the vanished pocket battleships of another era. In her flak jacket and accoutrements she looked to my innocent eye like a mobile gunnery platform. I was certain that I had missed some notorious incident, an attack upon a judge perhaps and having the pleasure of my OIC in court, I inquired. Apparently she was under orders from the Chief Constable of Dorset. All officers were required to attend court similarly cross gartered and armed; to whit:

1. A.S.P. (articulated baton),
2. disabling gas and canister,
3. maglite torch,
4. stainless steel cuffs and
5. large intergalactic communicator.

My first sight of a Metropolitan police officer at Court was at Thames Magistrates in 1970 and there in dappled sunlight stood a quiet man in a tailored suit and tie, silver buttons. He was courteous and smiling. At the time, I did not know that he was a policeman or that he had an old battered truncheon which could be whipped from concealment should the need arise. There was nothing threatening about him. An experienced officer (he’d been in The Job some fourteen years) once revealed to me that he’d never had to draw his ASP. He reckoned once he’d done that, he’d failed. He went on to say that of course the officers that were forced to use them were exactly the officers to whom they should not be issued. It isn’t a job I want. But to return to the subject of heavily armed officers in court, I was astonished that the judges didn’t object; and I am indebted to the gracious clerk to the senior Judge; Ms. M. Lawrence, for the explanation and a chocolate. It is the Health and Safety Executive that has determined the issue and advised the Chief Constable. I hope I have this right, and officers have to be ready and able to respond should they be needed. Two points!

1. I have paid the Bar Council a great deal of money ( albeit under protest) and though they cannot possibly be expected to concern themselves about negotiating any sort of fee increase in line with inflation (as I see they have done for themselves); they could at least be concerned for my safety in court. If the police are to wear flak jackets in court in case of unfriendly fire, I’d like one in case of friendly fire! Imagine who in court is most at risk in the case of a maddened bull charge by the defendant? And there am I, with my colleagues, required either to duck the ‘incoming’ or perforce like some demented matador, using my gown to deflect the rush.
2. In this ‘cuddly feely age’ for witnesses and courts, has anyone considered the addition of fierce some police a retrograde step?

Please advise.