Blissford Voice Today » Issue 99b

News From The Empire

Editor — Sat, 16 Sep 2000 14:59:10 +0000

Communication has been established today with the settlers in Blissford beyond the Pale, our very own frontier outpost, who were eager to hear news of home. Having assimilated reports of the latest village dramas, they concluded that they were happy to be stationed so far away! These doughty explorers have been busy – FTFV reports that she has achieved her ambition to build the largest outdoor arena in the country, much of the surrounding landscape being covered with enough material to fulfil the wildest dreams of a rubber fetishist. The local natives were at first startled by this latest eccentricity and puzzled by the sight of horses, who more normally travel in straight lines in these parts, describing strange circular movements in this new construction. However the silver tongued fish vet has convinced these backward people that grey rubber is much better than green grass and peace now reigns again.

Romsey Show Update

Editor — Sat, 16 Sep 2000 14:58:30 +0000

There was consternation at Romsey Show when ‘Henry The Knees’ turned up in a pair of long trousers. One longstanding lady customer was so overcome with disappointment she had to be revived with cups of hot sweet tea. Rumour has it that a new subsection is being inserted into the Romsey Show rule book to require that Squire ‘Enry wears shorts on all subsequent show days.

(Did anyone collect a free tractor with their BV? Ed.)

Gala Centenary BV Dinner Set

Editor — Sat, 16 Sep 2000 14:57:11 +0000

The banqueting hall at the Forester’s has been booked for Thursday October 5th at 7:00 and the guest of honour, Mrs. E.J. Keith has graciously agreed to attend. Betty revealed that her first place in the flower arranging (themed as Autumn) was due to red foliage collected from Brook Farm. She also announced that the Godshill Players dinner was very jolly and tickets were available for the Friday. It is hoped the High Sheriff will be able to take some time from her official duties to attend as well.

Carmen Unwell

Editor — Sat, 16 Sep 2000 14:50:20 +0000

Some concern at the Watersplash where Carmen is not at all well.

Errata

Editor — Sat, 16 Sep 2000 14:48:13 +0000

Scanning the first few articles in the grand new Autumn issue of the BV, the Yew Hursters were impressed the the Editor’s prodigious ability to absorb locals news and lavish hors d’ouvres simultaneously. However the danger of collecting copy while still jet lagged and under the influence of increasing quantities of champagne became apparent in the piece entitled ‘Chicken Drama’. The story started accurately enough but soon became a little muddled (much like most of the guests at the welcome home drinks party). This then is the gist. After Kate’s Fayoumi hen rashly flew into Megan’s jaws it was decided, as reported, that a replacement be found immediately at the upcoming Salisbury Market. Eloise, determined to find a replacement for her favourite hen whose sad demise has been reported in last week’s BV, also decided to try her luck there. At the sale the birds were all carefully examined, lot numbers duly noted and the auction eagerly anticipated. Eloise, who had her eye on a pair of fine Marrans, secured the lot suspiciously quickly and cheaply. A kindly onlooker, possibly alerted to the depth of our ignorance by the fact that Eloise had started bidding before auctioneer had finished describing the lot, asked her if she realised that she had just bought two cocks. In the stunned silence that followed he added that if she didn’t want to keep them Jim Butt, Salisbury Chicken Supremo, would ‘take them off her hands’. A discussion then followed with Eloise seeming to favour keeping the cocks reasoning that if she could persuade them not to crow Tim, who had expressly forbidden any purchase of cocks, would not notice. When asked if he wouldn’t wonder why no eggs appeared she replied “He is a very patient man” (does this make him eligible for a BV award?) However in spite of Tim’s probable forbearance it was decided to off load the purchase. Jim Butt was approached and, having delivered a stern lecture on the perils of novices bidding at auctions, agreed to take the birds. Your correspondent in the meantime had beaten off stiff opposition to acquire a charming Seabright hen – 2 years old – new colour. Quashing any unworthy thoughts that this might be the most expensive Seabright cock – old colour – in the Southern Counties, the bird was paid for and borne in triumph to the Hen Haven where it is now strutting in perfect safety – until Megan’s next visit! Later in the week Eloise, undeterred by her experience, purchased two fine hens from a more reputable source near Beaulieu. The trauma of their arrival and subsequent ferocious rejection by the resident brigade of SS Panzer Chicks can only be adequately reported by those who have suffered through it. Over to you, Eloise!

Co-Op Floated

Editor — Sat, 16 Sep 2000 14:47:20 +0000

In discussion sharpened by the petrol shortage, it has been suggested that a loose co-op be formed to obtain the best possible return in comestibles from the grazing land available. Plans are afoot to sheep fence the south field at Brook Farm and beef up the chicken population.

Goose At Meddlars

Editor — Sat, 16 Sep 2000 14:46:40 +0000

An elegant grey goose was prominent among the throng at Izzy’s expansive chicken set-up as field workers Robby & Bryony shaved the pasture on the John Deere mini tractor.

Book Club Report

Editor — Sat, 16 Sep 2000 14:45:55 +0000

This month’s book is not available in paperback until 2001 and an alternative may have to be found. Full report from the Hon.Sec.

Urgent Appeal

Editor — Sat, 16 Sep 2000 14:45:12 +0000

Residents of PBC would like photographs of BV readers for a Xmas activity. Each member of the family needs to donate a picture for scanning ( they will be returned ) up to a maximum of five members per family. This should include parents and children, the remainder being made up of cats, dogs, chickens, ducks, cows etc as appropriate. For example, from Dairy Farm, in Cow Shit Lane, we would like a photo of the High Sheriff, Tulip, Convulvulus, Rose and Nippa. Composite pictures would be acceptable, eg all the children in one picture, in order to have animals included. Please label them. If you don’t have relevant photos, the ESW can be commissioned at no cost. ASAP please.

ESW Research

Editor — Sat, 16 Sep 2000 14:44:27 +0000

If you put your hands on your hips whilst walking, do you put your thumbs to the front or your fingers? Limited research indicates that there may be a difference between men and women on this issue. Your cooperation would be appreciated.