Blissford Voice Today » Issue 61

Big Dig Down Cow Lane

Editor — Sat, 04 Dec 1999 10:27:27 +0000

Whilst walking the dogs on Wednesday I discovered Anne enthusiastically moving hardcore for her latest project. A huge ditch has been re-dug and drainage pipes laid. She tells me that this will be followed by the construction of a pound, which may mean we shall no longer see the sight of Anne chasing her errant herd, which I for one will miss greatly. The project is certainly on a scale to match the excavations at Boo Noo, Highfields and Thyme Cottage!

Mad A

Massive Greek Portico Planned

Editor — Sat, 04 Dec 1999 10:26:14 +0000

‘Big John’ Newton MBE plans a classical Greek portico with Doric columns for the old Blissford Tomb entrance at Thyme Cottage. Agents are scouring the grey markets for scantily clad, armless marble women. “It will certainly draw attention from the Darnley Memorial!” Big John M.B.E. huffed. Maureen admitted shed originally thought it was just going to be a cattle grid so she could go shopping without taking a gate opener with her and accepts the acquisition of a dishwasher may have left Big John with too much free time. Squire Richardson is reexamining the facade at modest Yewhurst Manor and the Chicken Supremo (pining) has ordered a 40 metre column with a statue of the Colonel (surrounded by voluptuaries) on top. Keith and Leslie have been looking at Corinthian.

Issy To Health Spa

Editor — Sat, 04 Dec 1999 10:24:46 +0000

A day of languorous swanning about was Issys on Friday. One of her birthday gifts was a day at luxury retreat Chewton Glen (next to Bunny Glen). “With the weather and the worry over the chickens, I thought a day at Chute (as it is known by habituÃ©s! -Ed) would be nice.”

BV Knicker at Large!

Editor — Sat, 04 Dec 1999 10:20:01 +0000

There is a growing band of evidence to suggest that the BV Disseminator was raided last week-end. Two readers have reported that all the tubes were empty by late Sunday. Mad A had a bath with no giggles as result. Kate has offered to turn Blissford’s massive CCTV cameras on the Darnley Memorial and the Chilly Hill Peeper has been asked to assist with surveillance.

Blissford Baby Doctored

Editor — Sat, 04 Dec 1999 10:19:10 +0000

Sarah called in help to doctor Alice on Friday and both the baby and the adults were slimed with pink sticky medecine.

Squire and Lady Return

Editor — Sat, 04 Dec 1999 10:18:09 +0000

‘Enery and Marie-Anne have returned to Yewhurst Manor from a golfing get-away in the west country where Enery is accused of having continued his various excavations on greens and tees. This means that Watersplash Pipes clearance will be ensured.

Poppy Puppy Pees on Poets Pad

Editor — Sat, 04 Dec 1999 10:16:46 +0000

Nelson was exhausted shepherding his protege last week and was patently distressed with some facets of Poppys youthful exuberance at BOONOO 2.

Holly Alive!

Editor — Sat, 04 Dec 1999 10:15:25 +0000

A postcard has been received from Sydney Australia where it has been hot and stormy. Following the information that thjey have been out on Bruces Boat, is the cryptic message, “Talk to Nelson!”

The Colonel Escapes (contd.)

Editor — Sat, 04 Dec 1999 10:14:17 +0000

The Colonel having slipped away from the Sydney suburbs has found a haven on the fringes of the outback, and a few intelligence reports are being assessed. Some facts that have been cleared by the censors.

The settlement that is giving sanctuary is so quiet that the noise of washing dishes after 8p.m., where all windows are open on account of the heat, gives alarm to all the canines causing some embarrassment. This activity would of course go unnoticed every other Thursday as it is dole and booze day for the blacks, and some whites, but they are usually quieter. A little known fact that makes one proud to be British, (possibly even Canadian). A deluxe section of Australian ‘bathroom tissue’ measures only 1150×1000mm whilst the noble British equivalent measures a magnificent and generous 1200×1120mm, in fact the Brits enjoy a whopping 16.87% greater comfort level and safety margin in their dunnies. ‘A small rip off!’

Re-Fencing Drama

Editor — Sat, 04 Dec 1999 10:12:23 +0000

The absence of the Colonel (reckoned the foremost fencing specialist of his time) has caused difficulties at Brook Farm where Dexter cattle leaning on the antique listed fence posts have been able to wander freely. The post hole driller (Boonoo Two) and two handled gazomper (Yewhurst) are booked for this week-end. The High Sheriffs four handled gazomper has been rented to the Fordingbridge MORRIS Dancing clacque and is not available. The Colonels magnificent Four Stroke Leaf Blower is available on application to the Chicken Supremo who also has the Vales finest collection of Rods with attachments for all (including festive occassions).