Delights at Dolserau

It was the perfect afternoon for a garden fete and tea that is just what Alison & Peter organised. From the smiling waitresses, Katrina and Hannah proffering the Pimms to the groaning sideboard of delights (scones with classic cream and jam, saanies with the crusts removed, faery cakes the lot). The garden gazebo was very popular and the Baron received the great ladies of Blissford in state as mendicants swirled and queued. The RWG made a cameo appearance and the Adsheads were photo-The Baron receives in the Gazebo RWG, Mad A, the Baron, & Debby out in force from their camp on Jubilee Lane. There was even Mr. Whizzy whose seaside razzle was most impressive. There were among the gaily bedecked throng: Heather (of Brave Sir Robin) with her exotic pink sea earrings, while Peter’s Mum, Heather paraded the newest Blissford Baby, a sunny child with smile for all. There was Our ‘Enery’s knees, and the High Sheriff. Even the three Lions were there. No one knew who Mr. Whizzy could have been referring to when he mentioned a Hyacinth Bucket reunion! There was a raft of young people, smiling happy babies and lots of sun. Many thanks!

With the continuing spread of the Blissford Community (now world-wide), it is no longer practical – nor advisable – to rely on the age old practice of smoke signals from the top of Chilly Hill to communicate with fellow Blissfordians. With this in mind a (newly appointed) Foreign Affairs Correspondent sat down with the RWG one Saturday lunchtime in a coffee shop somewhere near the western spiral arm of the metropolis that is London, and compiled a list of codes for use when TXT Messaging. Blissfordians unfamiliar with TXTing (pronounced “texting”) should consult their siblings, or the person responsible for setting the video recorder.

(question: will the new Foreign Affairs person be restricted to reporting liasons abroad? – Ed)

I was mistaken. My own O.I.C. found me and despite being a demure and attractive WPC, she had more in common with the vanished pocket battleships of another era. In her flak jacket and accoutrements she looked to my innocent eye like a mobile gunnery platform. I was certain that I had missed some notorious incident, an attack upon a judge perhaps and having the pleasure of my OIC in court, I inquired. Apparently she was under orders from the Chief Constable of Dorset. All officers were required to attend court similarly cross gartered and armed; to whit:

1. A.S.P. (articulated baton),
2. disabling gas and canister,
3. maglite torch,
4. stainless steel cuffs and
5. large intergalactic communicator.

My first sight of a Metropolitan police officer at Court was at Thames Magistrates in 1970 and there in dappled sunlight stood a quiet man in a tailored suit and tie, silver buttons. He was courteous and smiling. At the time, I did not know that he was a policeman or that he had an old battered truncheon which could be whipped from concealment should the need arise. There was nothing threatening about him. An experienced officer (he’d been in The Job some fourteen years) once revealed to me that he’d never had to draw his ASP. He reckoned once he’d done that, he’d failed. He went on to say that of course the officers that were forced to use them were exactly the officers to whom they should not be issued. It isn’t a job I want. But to return to the subject of heavily armed officers in court, I was astonished that the judges didn’t object; and I am indebted to the gracious clerk to the senior Judge; Ms. M. Lawrence, for the explanation and a chocolate. It is the Health and Safety Executive that has determined the issue and advised the Chief Constable. I hope I have this right, and officers have to be ready and able to respond should they be needed. Two points!

1. I have paid the Bar Council a great deal of money ( albeit under protest) and though they cannot possibly be expected to concern themselves about negotiating any sort of fee increase in line with inflation (as I see they have done for themselves); they could at least be concerned for my safety in court. If the police are to wear flak jackets in court in case of unfriendly fire, I’d like one in case of friendly fire! Imagine who in court is most at risk in the case of a maddened bull charge by the defendant? And there am I, with my colleagues, required either to duck the ‘incoming’ or perforce like some demented matador, using my gown to deflect the rush.
2. In this ‘cuddly feely age’ for witnesses and courts, has anyone considered the addition of fierce some police a retrograde step?

Please advise.